Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Acid is not a monday night drug
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize