I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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