she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
