paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
