And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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