ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I think my moral compass just broke
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize