there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
