My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
