before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
