I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
