I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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