Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
