Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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