I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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