I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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