Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I want to be your penis for a week.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
