Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
What drink are we having for lunch?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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