At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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