I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
