I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
