he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
