I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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