Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
