I have demons in me.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
