You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
