I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
