i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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