My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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