on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
