I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
