She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
