I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wish there were birth control emojis
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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