the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
false alarm. still invincible.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
