apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
And then he peed in my hair
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