I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
