shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
