One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
