My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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