i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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