you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
