i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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