i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
