i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
