you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
