Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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