the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
