____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize