Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
