Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
