She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
