I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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