My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
