had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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