How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
this hospital has no fireball
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
