cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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