Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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