i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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