What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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