my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize